Thanks for all the Fish

Noah has broken things off with me. I was at work on Thursday – and work is at the end of the fiscal year so everything is very busy and time-crunchy – so I was working very hard. Noah was nice enough to bring me and my co workers some sodas to help get us through the work load of that day.

When he came to work (Noah works in the same building as I) things were normal. We went out back together to have a smoke before I left for home, and I thought we were good. Then I got home and saw that his car (the car I had bought for him) was in the parking lot of our apartment. I got excited thinking that he was home and that we could spend some time together as he works a different shift than I do and we thus rarely get a chance to see each other. So I opened the door with a wide grin and instead found a note from Noah atop the box that I had put all my old clothes in to give to his daughter. In the box were the Barbies that I had decided to give to Noah’s daughter for her birthday.

The note said that Noah was breaking up with me. He had removed his stuff from my apartment and this was final – no discussion, no chances of reconciliation. He had been miserable for a long time and this was it. He mentioned that he had tried to break up with me three times before, and that this was the end.

I was, and still am, in shock. Those times that he mentioned about trying to break up with me – I thought they were just the “rough times;” times that every couple goes through. It was the closest we had ever come to a fight. But I talked to him – we talked to each other – and I sincerely thought that we could get through the rough times.

I was wrong, I suppose.

After I got home and read the note I went directly back to work to talk to Noah. The door to his “office;” the place where he worked, was locked. I knocked. I tried calling, but Noah had his phone off. I was in a state of disbelief.

I had no idea what to do. I saw some coworkers – and they were supportive, but after awhile they left me alone. I called a friend and her husband answered the phone and said he would call her. I called another friend, and she said she was on her way to come and see me. I text messaged some other friends – and the first one to call me back was my ex husband. I couldn’t speak – someone else spoke to him on my phone for me. Some other people called me back too… but like I said I was stuck numb in disbelief.

All my friends – basically, my friends who are my family down here in Texas – have done so much for me and shown me that I am loved. It is interesting, as each has his own way for me to deal with my loss, and each is trying to share these methods with me.

One method was for me to go out and get drunk and for a few hours forget about my heart being broken. One was to pray to God, and ask for strength. One was to smoke some weed. One was to just get out of the house.

None of these methods are mine, though. I don’t often go out to drink anymore. I find a belief in any kind of religion to be just beyond my grasp – and trust me, I wish I could believe in Angels and God and a better life through prayer but I had shoved that idea aside a long time ago. I do not even like the smell of pot – I have tried it a few times, but all it does is make me sleepy, and quite frankly depression does that enough for me on its own. Getting out of my house – that would probably be the biggest thing to help me, but where would I go? I have no money – not even enough to cover the rest of rent (Noah had left me with a check for half the rent so it at least is not as bad as it could be) but with gas prices as they are and no money, where would I go to? What would I do?

So I thought I would sit down today and do what has seemed to work for me in the past. I will write everything down.

I wish I could be angry with Noah, but I can’t. He has to do what feels right to him, not what feels right to me. If I do not make him happy, than it is better for both of us that he move on. I think his method for leaving me sucks, but it could be worse. It is almost a good thing, for him, that he is no good at breaking hearts. It shows that he cares – in a weird, twisted sort of way.

And so, I guess, everything happens for a reason. This stop has been one more detour for me on my road of life from point A to point Z. I will still reach my point Z, but I will have at least had the pleasant memories of my stop at point N, with Noah.

Will I love again? I don’t know. I put my profile on two internet personals sites but then I took them off today. I just don’t have the energy. If love finds me again it will have to do so without my help.

I have, however, made up my mind that I will not discontinue loving the way that I do. When I love someone I love them then unabashedly, and I love them completely. I have decided that I like that about me. And, if the next guy that comes along can’t handle it, then he will leave too and I will be back here in the same situation but at some different point on my path to Z.

This journey, for me, is getting exhausting.

Thanks, though, to all of you for making it a little more bearable.