Smiles for Miles

It’s been awhile since I have written anything. Sorry about that, if you are actually into reading my blog. You would be a party of one, then, I think. I really don’t think anyone actually reads this. But that’s… …Okay. (Quoting Stuart Smalley)

I am sitting here on a Friday night, watching the news and then Comedy Central Presents. Then I go to bed and read more of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I am actually really looking forward to that. It is a great book.

How sad is it that as a reward to myself for making it through another semester I read a “fun” book. Other people my age go out drinking. I read. Yikes.

I graduate in December. Well, hopefully I will graduate in December. I watched the UTSA graduation that happened tonight… it was broadcast on the local cable station, channel 19 or something, I think. It was cool. I saw 2 people I know graduate. And now I kind of know what to expect.

My Mom won’t come to see me graduate. How bad must I be for my mother to not want to come see her only child graduate? This kills me. Really depressed me. SO, we got in a fight. Then she takes me on the guilt trip… and I come out looking like the bad person here. WTF?

I get depressed sometimes. I live far from home, and I feel very alone sometimes. Intellectually, I think I will be fine; I am okay with myself, and I enjoy my private time. But I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day, and they had a program on about feral children. Wow. I felt so bad for those kids. Abandoned by their parents. And then some scientists took some chimps away from their mothers at a young age, and these baby chimps were scarred for life too. It was horrible.

These feral kids lose their ability to communicate. They even, to a certain extent, lose their ability to learn to communicate. However, they do not lose their ability to empathize. So what makes a human a human? Is it the dependency on human company?

So if that is so, then I wonder if I am human. There are times that if I don’t have to go anywhere – like, on the weekends, I will close myself up in my apartment and not interact with anyone. I read books. I go on the internet. I watch TV (maybe that is human interaction) and I sleep.

I’ve had my husband leave me behind… We got divorced; he remarried 2 days after the divorce was final. I’ve had boyfriends leave me. Different reasons; none of which are really my fault per se. One though, who I thought I could be friends with, would rather not have me in his life at all. That hurt. I must be horrible.

Then Mom won’t come to graduation. It would be different (graduation really isn’t that huge of deal) but I haven’t seen her since about 1988 (that I remember). At the point I am at now, Mom is just someone who emails me once in awhile and quite frankly I don’t know if I want to see her anymore.

I was thinking it’d be cool to get digital phone service in my apartment. I could get free long distance. But then, who would I call, besides my Dad?
That makes me sound so lame.

I am going to go and drink my water and read my book now. Have a good weekend!