Another Interesting Moment in an Unnoticed Life.

I think I have a crush on a man. I am not sure how I feel about this. How true was my love for Noah – IS my love for Noah – if I have room for another man? So I talked to Noah about it. He tells me to go for it. He reminds me that he and I are not serious – that he and I are not “dating,” we aren’t girlfriend and boyfriend. He reminds me that he has things that he needs to figure out for himself. So, I admit that he is right. I need to let go…
The funny thing is that this crush of mine only appeared in my life when I had, again, made up my mind that I didn’t need a boyfriend. I was happy with being me. I was happy being alone. My life, as disorganized as it is, is organized in its disarray. It is comfortable.
So, perhaps I don’t want romance because I do not want to lose this comfort. I’d be back into the zone of the unknown. I would be vulnerable again, and I am afraid.
And thus… I have decided to take things one thing at a time. Each day as its own path. I will not pursue Crush, but should he pursue me, then I will see where a new path takes me. If it is meant to be, then it shall happen, no matter if I am scared.
And I am scared, very scared. I come across as strong. Only those who care to look deeper could see that I shake in fear, on the inside. And with Crush, chances are I would just be Rebound Girl anyway. Besides, he is wicked organized and I am messy. I have named my dust bunnies. He organizes things.
Just, please, let my next romance, no matter who it is with, be a tad better in its outcome than those I have had before.
I will not pursue anything, myself. And that is difficult for me, as I have a strong personality. I see something beautiful and I go about getting it… Things must happen on their own, without my assistance.

Enough rambling. Goodnight.