staring into the rear view mirror

It has been awhile since I have written in this blog that no one reads but me… I was starting to show withdrawal symptoms. My mind was thinking too much. I was feeling a need to write all my ingenious thoughts down.

So much has happened in the past week. I got my citizenship for the United States. That was nice, though the ceremony was long. All us immigrants lined up and hung out in our chairs for over an hour after checking in. I was sitting next to two very nice ladies; one from Korea and the other from the Philippines. And the weird thing… the one other Canadian (I am from Canada) was sitting directly in front of me. I introduced myself to her when I heard her speak and I immediately spotted the accent. Nice lady.

What else… My friend Scarlet (I have mentioned her in an earlier blog entry) has a little girl who turn one. We celebrated her birthday tonight. It was very nice, and Scarlet was nice enough to bar be que some salmon for me as I do not eat meat… It was lovely and I went with another good friend of mine, the mother of an ex boyfriend. He was crap, but his mother is wonderful. She’s truly a Southern belle.

Anyway, my Southern belle friend and I planned to go to the party together. I was to drive to her place, then we’d go on to Scarlet’s together after wrapping gifts (which is one thing that I truly suck at). Well, something strange happened along the way to her place. Well, strange for me.

In an earlier blog entry (or two) I have mentioned this old love interest of mine. The guy who works at UNT but who wants nothing more, ever, to do with me. Now, I am repecting that wish of his, though I think it is a mistake. I mean, I did display all the workings of someone obsessed with an old flame… but I am not the type to wig out or follow him or cause him harm or disruption. Hell, I don’t even really want to get back together with him, but he meant so much to me in the past, is all… You know? I mean, why can’t two people who were really into each other at one point – and who were each other’s first for many different things – why can't they keep in touch like friends?? I think we could, but then again, who am I?

Anyway, I was on my way to my Southern belle friend’s house when something strange happened. My ex’s (the one described above) favorite song came on. So I began to think about him and wonder how he is doing, up in Dallas. Then I was passed by an old Bronco (which he used to drive). There weren’t a lot of cars or trucks on the highway (odd in itself), and then poof, I am passed by a Bronco. Then I went to my Southern belle friend's house and she handed me two books (hardcover, too – I was impressed) that she thought I should read (I am known for reading books). One of these books was “Clan of the Cave Bear.”

WOW.

My ex love interest (the one described above, who currently resides in Dallas and doesn’t remember that I exist) gave me that same book long, long ago. He gave me three books in that series, and he had written little love notes to me in the margins. I wish I still had them (the books) – I have no idea where they are, maybe at my parents place… ANYWAY, I remember that he and I would talk about these books. He was my Jondalar. Man, I miss that.

Oh, to be young, right?

So then off we went to Scarlet’s daughter’s first birthday. And I saw this beautiful little girl with hauntingly gorgeous blue eyes plant her face into the middle of her first (chocolate) birthday cake. This beautiful girl is going to grow up, too, someday. She’ll find her first love, her “lobster,” her Jondalar. And maybe they will stick together for always and forever… Maybe they won’t. Her heart may be broken far worse than it can ever really mend. But she will have known love, and that, in itself, is the greatest gift that growing up can give you. Young love. Because when she grows up, love becomes tainted too much by sex, and ulterior motives and hidden agendas. In youth it is just love, but it is the most powerful force of them all.

Maybe “one of these days,” my ex love interest will “figure it all out,” and we can be friends again. Maybe, maybe not. But if he does, "I'll be waiting right here, come and whisper in my ear what it is I want to know....."