Me -- December 2006

Heart Floss

Tonight I have decided to write something. I haven’t written, really, for quite awhile. I have begun to write, several times, but then I would get side tracked. I would quit. I started countless stories – I have a burning need to write some of these stories that are buried within me. I start to write them, then I go to bed, or I watch TV and that story gets put on hold. I never complete anything.

Noah and I are back together, sort of. I know in the back of my mind that he is not happy with me. He doesn’t really want to be with me, but he does love me. He just has a lot going on in his life and I don’t fit in within the parameters that I wish to be in. He has work. He has school, though that seems to be always put on hold. He has his kids – and I don’t knock him for that – but he doesn’t really have the ability to really share them with me the way that he did when we were together before. He has his sister, who has decided that I am not a good person; he lives with his sister, and she doesn’t know that Noah and I are back together and Noah is not comfortable with telling her.

This puts me in an uncomfortable position. I want to be important to Noah. I want to an active part of his life. I want him to be the love of my life that he was before. He used to write in a blog about me, and how much he loved me (http://www.drunkenirishbravado.blogspot.com/). He does not do that anymore. He now feels (in my opinion, due to my observations) that I am an obligation of his, and he is caught between his heart as it applies to me (he IS in love with me) and as it applies to everything else going on in his life, including his sister. And (wow, beginning a sentence with “and”) I know from experience that I can not “compete” with family when it comes to romance. I am not sure that Noah and I are destined to go on.

And yes, I cannot help who I love, really. I wish I could. I wish I could say that I am completely over and moved on from Britt (my first love) but I cannot truly say that – though I CAN say that I no longer hold out hope that Britt and I will ever get back together again, or even get to know each other as friends again. I wish that I could look at my relationship with Noah as it appears “on paper” (ie this is not going well, let’s call it a draw and move on) but I cannot. I cannot even say that if Kevin were to come back into my life that I wouldn’t give that relationship another go.

Is this all because I do not want to be alone? Is this, in part, because it is the holiday season and I should not be with a man that has to be talked into spending the night with me, even though we are supposedly “together?” is it because I have a tendency toward depression?

Why can’t I be happy that I have had several job offers since my being laid off? Why can’t I be happy that I have a great family who loves me dearly – though they are hundreds of miles away? Why can’t I be happy that I have a great apartment, in a great city, with a car that runs and kitties that purr for me every day? Why can’t I be happy that I am a reasonable good-looking woman with a college degree and great friends? Why can’t I be happy on my own?

I need chocolate. I have a new appreciation for Harry and David chocolate (http://www.harryanddavid.com/) but it is expensive and I would have to send off for it.

I shall go off and reads some more books and seal myself off in my cave.

“Words, words…”