And Now For Something Completely Different...

Someone else has entered the picture.

Interesting how that happens. One door closes and another opens. Funny.

So after work today I came to spend time with my friend (who is currently at work, so I am playing on his Mac iBook). I decided I would write something and try to kill a few moments before Drummer Boy can say hello.

I was listening to Yes in my car today. Remember that song, "Leave It?" Very cool. Memories flooded into my brain. Sometimes one must leave the situation alone. Things will work out in their own time, and usually for the better. I try to remember that when the crap gets to stinkin'.

So what have I been looking for, anyway? IF I fall in love again, I want a man who decides to stick around even when life is tough. Someone who brings me flowers for no reason, leaves me a message on his cell phone away message, treats me like I could possibly be the princess that I read about in fairy tales when I was younger... Someone who thinks I am the shit.

And knows how to use 5a's and learn the off-beat rhythm of my off-center life.

Shows me that a thunderstorm can be beautiful.

Hell I dunno. I am going to go home now. "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

Seriously.

Okay -- I feel like I must create an addendum to this.

I had an incredibly busy, stressful and difficult week, that culminated in a very emotional and particularly stressful Friday. I also had not slept much Thursday night -- so I was tired on top of it all.

I am a writer. I write. When something is bothering me, I deal with it (or try to) by writing about it. That is my whole reason for having a blog. It is a means for me to vent. Barf out all my pent up frustrations and deep thoughts. That is what my blog entry (see below) was all about.

I was feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable and I was pushing all my emotions into one area, and around one person. I'm cool now, I just had to write this note to say that -- should that person read this -- I realize that this may look bad, but I honestly just had to get out my frustrations somehow.

That said, goodnight, I hope you are well, and welcome back to SA.

:)
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My Dearest MA1.

I feel like I am going crazy. Maybe I already was crazy and I am just now recognizing it. Maybe you recognized it and that is what is going on, and why I am feeling particularly vulnerable.

Your profile poofed. You don't answer the phone. You don't call me back. It is looking bad. I know, I have seen it before. Bad is not new to me.

You had this ability to "chisel" through. It wasn't so much that I absolutely believed again, but it is that I wanted to believe. Maybe romance is not just an illusion of veiled perception. I had fun talking with you. I looked forward to seeing you. You become top on my list of "potentials."

I don't like the way I feel. So, knock it off.

OR, you may just have been unable to talk to me. Maybe you are on your way back to town or something and things were just bad. Timing was bad. You forgot your phone. And you poofed because you like me, and wish to pull yourself off the market.

Cha!

Or I am just paranoid and insane. And maybe a touch obsessive.

Whatever. Thanks.

Fix it, please.

Another Interesting Moment in an Unnoticed Life.

I think I have a crush on a man. I am not sure how I feel about this. How true was my love for Noah – IS my love for Noah – if I have room for another man? So I talked to Noah about it. He tells me to go for it. He reminds me that he and I are not serious – that he and I are not “dating,” we aren’t girlfriend and boyfriend. He reminds me that he has things that he needs to figure out for himself. So, I admit that he is right. I need to let go…
The funny thing is that this crush of mine only appeared in my life when I had, again, made up my mind that I didn’t need a boyfriend. I was happy with being me. I was happy being alone. My life, as disorganized as it is, is organized in its disarray. It is comfortable.
So, perhaps I don’t want romance because I do not want to lose this comfort. I’d be back into the zone of the unknown. I would be vulnerable again, and I am afraid.
And thus… I have decided to take things one thing at a time. Each day as its own path. I will not pursue Crush, but should he pursue me, then I will see where a new path takes me. If it is meant to be, then it shall happen, no matter if I am scared.
And I am scared, very scared. I come across as strong. Only those who care to look deeper could see that I shake in fear, on the inside. And with Crush, chances are I would just be Rebound Girl anyway. Besides, he is wicked organized and I am messy. I have named my dust bunnies. He organizes things.
Just, please, let my next romance, no matter who it is with, be a tad better in its outcome than those I have had before.
I will not pursue anything, myself. And that is difficult for me, as I have a strong personality. I see something beautiful and I go about getting it… Things must happen on their own, without my assistance.

Enough rambling. Goodnight.