But, I LOVE you, Damn it!

I’m sure it happens to all couples, at some point in the relationship. That moment when you have “that conversation,” usually right after the initial spell of happiness wears off. Here is where we find out if it really IS love, and if that other person really is “the one.”

Well, my boyfriend and I had that conversation yesterday. It all began because I had been told that he had said he had different plans for the future than the ones he had told me about. I thought we were going to be together, no matter what the future held; I thought ‘we,’ as a couple, were a done deal.

Now, I am not quite as naïve as you may think. The future for me at the moment is uncertain. For awhile there I was dead set on going to graduate school after I graduated from college in December. Then I wanted to get an internship position with some military public affairs. Then I just wanted a job in military public affairs… now I have no idea. In fact I am very stressed out because I have no idea what my future holds after I graduate in December – all I know is that it is destined to be different. It is destined to be another one of those “life turning points.”

My boyfriend, also, has an uncertain future. He recently moved in with a friend of mine, who also recently had his girlfriend move in. Apparently, they have loose “plans” to begin a production company… but other than that, nothing set in stone for my boyfriend. He does not even have a job, or a car, at the moment. So, he is trying to get a job – preferably in the field that he has chosen as a career: video shooting and editing as well as artistic. However, he had told me, point blank, that he loved me and that he intended to relocate to wherever I got a job.

Then my friend – the girlfriend who lives with the friend that my boyfriend lives with – told me that my boyfriend had said to her that he planned to stay here no matter what happened… That he didn’t know where I was going to be after December and he figured that’d be the end of our relationship. This news concerned me, and I approached my boyfriend and told him that we needed to talk. So began us having “that conversation” that I mentioned in the first paragraph.
It was during this conversation that much was revealed to me. Now, in my defense, I had known that something was amiss in our relationship. I am a fairly perceptive person. I knew that something had changed, though I didn’t know what.

And therein lies the problem. Well, one of the problems. My boyfriend had concerns that he never shared with me. He’d just let his worries stay within him, and fester to become reasons to be unhappy with our relationship. The question of balance and power was not in his favor – I knew that and in my own way I was trying to help him… He didn’t have a job, he didn’t have a car, he lived in my friend’s house with my friend and his girlfriend (who has already taken to “training” the men to be more domestic – she probably doesn’t realize this, but she has been treading on uncomfortable ground with me; telling MY boyfriend what to do, “cleaning” his room… so the balance of power for my boyfriend, even at his place, put him on the bottom rung of a ladder of three), he had no money, and he had two kids with his ex wife that needed his support. To top it off, here I was, telling him what to do, paying for stuff for him, driving him where he needed to be, giving him job leads and having him stay at my place. It never occurred to me that I was with him “too much” or that I was doing anything wrong – he never really told me. He kept everything hidden within himself.

I knew of my boyfriend’s issues, but I thought I was helping him. I figured that it didn’t really matter if I had to spend some money to help him… that in the end things would even out. Maybe in the future I would need him to take care of me. Then he’d have to bear the burden of finances for awhile. I didn’t want to be one of those couples where money became a big issue. But it was.

And I didn’t intend for our relationship to move fast – but it was. I was with him a lot – and I missed a lot of school and work… (I missed school and work because I have a digestive problem that I have had since my gallbladder was removed – though I think perhaps it was triggered by the stress I am under of the uncertainty of my future). My boyfriend mistakenly thought that I was missing work and school to be with him, and that just isn’t true. My boyfriend got several job interviews at the places he applied at, and he used my car sometimes to go to them.

I can see where he is coming from. He doesn’t know what his future is, and right now he has absolutely no power over his own life. I can see that. BUT, I thought that if I helped him get a job, which would get him money, then he could begin to regain some control over his life. He could get a bus pass, then a car. He could support his kids. He could pay my friend some rent. He could begin to truly plan out SOME kind of future with me.

So… getting back on track here… We had the conversation. We decided (I think we did, anyway) that I would give him more “space,” and he would talk to me more about what was going on. We also talked about how I had been hurt in the past, so I expected the worst. We agreed that he is not “that guy,” and that I would do must best to quit treating him like he was. We are still together but things have changed. And, like I mentioned above, I guess this is normal – every healthy couple goes through this, right?

I am hereby backing off.

Here is my “deep thought” for the day: What if I, because I am so used to things not working out and I am so afraid of being hurt again… what if, when my heart reaches a certain point of comfort, I subconsciously set out to mess up a relationship so that the worst does happen but at least I will no longer have to fear being hurt again. Whoah. If that is true, then how do I stop myself? This man I am currently with is a WONDERFUL guy. I’d really like this relationship to work out… How do I fix this?

I love you, Noah…