And so it was.

I finally had a moment of clarity. I mean, it has been inching along in my psyche for awhile, but I believe that it is finally firmly grasped within my reality. Love is bad. Understatement of the year, actually. I had the wording better a few hours ago (it is now after 4 o’clock in the morning). I haven’t been drinking, so it is nothing like that. I watched a movie I have, though, and the character of Lord Robert Dudley has a great line about love… to the same effect of what I am trying to say here now. Love is bad. It breaks your soul in two, and persuades us all to do things which are not necessarily in our own best interest.

For girls this lesson is especially difficult. Well, it is for girls like me. I have gone through these first 32 years of my life being led by my heart. I was brought up on the fairy tales, where the princess is saved from the cruelty of the world by her prince, and they live happily ever after. I have read countless books where love never dies, and people go to their grave having their heart remaining true to their ideal of love. Even the movies sell on this ideal… even my favorite movie, Gone with the Wind. When Scarlet is ill she wants Rhett. Calls for him. And, in the early part of the movie, Scarlet’s heart remains steadfast in love with Ashley… Though she figures out later that she loves Rhett… but my point is, I thought the thing to do was to lead with my heart. I read poems. I read countless books. I was "that girl."

I mean, when is it romantic for someone to go to their grave loving one person, and when does it become a sickness? I used to think that it was noble, remaining true to one’s heart. I would read plots where the love stricken would lose his lover in life, but would never forget her… After her death, he would even go to her grave every year. I have read the stories of women finding love, and losing it, and throwing themselves in front of a train. Think of Romeo and Juliet. I always thought these stories were noble. I was a romantic. I believed in the power of love. I have always led with my heart. And it fucked me up.

Every love that I have had has turned black. My heart should have shriveled up in surrender long ago, but it didn’t. I was one whose heart never gave up its belief. For example... My marriage was never what you would call good. It was nice when we were engaged, but not after marriage. But I would not let go. It went on for six years, and after my divorce it took me years to grow back into the person I was before my marriage shattered my heart. Then I’d have boyfriends. I was even engaged once. Again, my heart was left abandoned, deflated and lackluster. But I never gave up hope.

Then my Mom told me she didn’t want to come to my college graduation. BAM. And my first (and, I thought, truest) love told me that he would rather never have any communication with me. BAM. And, you know, I can’t say honoustly that I didn’t want to get back together with him. The innocence and immaturity that I was holding onto so tightly within my heart never quite gave up the hope of a happy ever-after ending. However, in reality, I never really thought we’d get back together for real. And I am not sure that I even truly wanted to – I don’t know him. He does not know me. I just wanted to be friends that said hello once in awhile. But no, I am not even good enough, apparently, for that.

So my point is this. Fuck my heart. My head has done a whole lot more “good” for me than my heart has. I shall no longer be tied to my feelings. I will depend on no one. I will live my life for the good of improving myself, even if I remain alone for the rest of my life. I see value in me. That is all that matters. And I can still have fun without attachments. Hell, if I wanted to, I could even have sex. A bunch of sex. Any woman can go out and find a man for “string-free” sex. I just don’t want to at this particular moment. Plus, if my job takes me to all ends of the earth, I will not worry about leaving anyone behind. I am a free agent. I go wherever my life takes me. Well, I am bringing my cats. But that is it.

I am over love. I no longer care. It is not my scene. You couldn’t sell it to me for a zillion dollars. I am hereby a free agent. Nah-ner nah-ner.

"Whatever," also known as "I Wish You Well"

I have had so many thoughts that I have wanted to write down… But they strike me at night when I am in bed trying to sleep, so I never seem to be able to write them down. I even forget most of them, which is the really sad part in all of this. However, these (mostly lost) thoughts have given me cause to reflect and think about things, and that is good. I can, in the manner of keeping track of my thoughts and feelings (when I am able to record them in this blog), preserve my journey in the quest for bliss.

Here is an interesting thought for you. One I came up with while sitting in the bathtub the other day. (Oddly, none of my mind-splitting observations seem to occur while I am sitting near a computer or while I have a pen and paper handy).

-- Sorry about that, I had a short interruption. Ain’t that life, though? All the interruptions when you were trying to do something else –

What would happen, if man were to finally figure out all that it was to be human? What would we do if we found the meaning of life? Would we still want to live out our lives, or would we, after seeing the whole picture, want to give up on it all?

What happens when you are reading a book, and you skip to the end and read the last pages? Do you still want to go back and read all the pages in between? For the most part, I don’t think we do. Once we as humans think we have things “figured out,” we discard them.

When you conquer a video game and reach the end of it, do you still like to go back and play it again? Well, sometimes I do… Like in Diablo II, but I do so as a different character, so it doesn’t count.

After students get a degree in one subject, do they ever want to go back and get another degree – in another subject -- so that they can learn more and understand more? Usually not – once they have that coveted piece of paper, they exploit it into an intelligence masquerade. “I have a degree, therefore I am.” Which, if you ask me, is only partially true. If you have a degree, it should feed your thirst to learn more. Though – and I am thinking on this topic again as I punch the keyboard keys here -- I suppose it all depends on what your motivation to learn is. Some may want to get a degree so that they have the bragging rights to say they are learned (accent on the e), and then they have no time for the petty underlings of the lesser-educated population.

I want to learn more. That is why I am a double major with a minor. I didn’t want to give up learning about other subjects. In fact, it killed me to give up my other minor, which was in Philosophy. Time and money paid their toll on me… And I may not be able (much to the joy of Britt, I am sure – by the way, happy birthday) to go to UNT for graduate school as I have no funding – at least, not enough to live and learn (comfortably, with my felines) in Dallas.

But I digress. Get over it, I do that a lot.

If mankind had the answer to the meaning of life, what would they do with it? Certainly, it would be the end to religious faith (depending on the answer.) It would turn society as we know it upside down. So, for the sake of keeping the status quo, then, should we keep all the new age philosophers in box, lest they find the damaging meaning to life? OR, do the teachers and religious leaders and country leaders and books and professors of this world prevent – through their habit of thinking within the box -- such an answer from being found? Do they all stick to teaching certain thinking methods so that a “totally new concept” (thank you, Gallagher) will remain elusive? Think of how teaching evolution went down… and that was recent!

And my other deep thought for the day is this: If you could have a theme song, what would it be? Would you have the same theme song that you did 10 years ago? Why? Do you think a person – a real person – changes enough on a day-to-day basis that one theme song would not suffice? Or do people remain, essentially, the same?

Taking that thought one step further… Think of the characters in a movie. Their theme song remains constant. Characters in movies (and in books, for that matter) rarely change. So, does that mean, then, that these movies and books are not an accurate representation of the society in which they were written, or composed or filmed? If so, that would turn the study of books (and probably movies) up on its ass. If characters need to be dynamic, then the essential plot and representation of the story would change and every character would have simply one theme song. Personally, I don’t like to think that I’d have just one theme song, myself.

But then, I am a thirty-something year old girl (my birthday is in a week) with ADD traits and a tendency toward depression. I also live with two cats, and many, many, many books. What do I know? I’d get pulled into the swamps of Mordor, I think, if I knew the meaning of life. It’d weigh me down. Or perhaps, that is where I am now.

I’ve posed a lot of questions in this entry. Anyone got any answers for me to look over?