a talon in ecstasy

I am bored. Very, very, very bored. It is a Saturday. I should be out in the world, experiencing new things. I should be here at home cleaning things, doing laundry, maybe even cooking something. But, no. I am home, but I do not feel like doing anything productive. I don’t wanna do laundry. And… I’d go out into the world and do something exciting, but what? And with whom? I mean, I have friends, I am not as pathetic as all this sounds… but they are always busy when I am not, and I am always busy when they’re not. For example, Darren calls me to go out to dinner and I am always busy – usually at work or something too far away.

What makes this boredom today even worse is that there is nothing on television. Not even Law and Order. The Law and Order marathon isn’t on until tomorrow, and tomorrow I have something to do. I am going to a bar-b-q at Cindy’s. It’ll be a celebration of her “new” furniture. That will be fun. But I will miss part of the Law and Order SVU marathon.

It’s 330 pm now and I have eaten lunch and taken my nap. There’s nothing on tv, and I don’t feel like doing chores, though I have already loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. SO, I thought I’d write in my blog that no one reads.

Wow, long preamble to my writing today. Well, I am frustrated about being bored. When classes begin on Wednesday this boredom thing will not happen -- I’ll be busy reading or doing homework or writing a paper. Wow, and I never thought I would miss the stress of school like this.

I am back in touch with my ex husband. It’s funny – I had my heart broken by him… broken, like he gauged out my heart with a spoon, stomped on it until it was bloodless, and the chewed on the rinds like chewing tobacco. But, though I had my heart broken by him, I still love him. I always will, I guess. Just like I will always love Britt and Brett. Anyway, my ex husband is going through his third divorce. I feel a little bad for him, because one divorce hurt me really badly, and so three would probably kill me. The funny thing about this one, though, is that my ex husband has a kid now. And I am jealous. I was his wife first. That kid should have been mine. Though, I promise you, I know how insane that sounds. I think, though, that I would feel the same way with Britt and Brett. I may not be dating them anymore, and I may never get back together with them, but in a small (and insane, I know) way, they are MINE.

Know what I mean? I’d even like to see Kevin again. Talk to him, go out for a few drinks with him. I’d like to be friends with him again. He and I were really good friends before we got married. It’d be cool to be friends again.

See, I would also like to be friends with Britt. Be pals, talk about books, drink coffee… with no pressure to make myself say the right thing and dress the right way and feel like I have to impress him… because I would like to think that we are beyond that. Why does there have to be the pressure of assuming that I want to get back together?

I am not desperate. I just think that I fell in love with these guys for a reason, and I think that we could be friends because of that reason and not have to worry about what the relationship “means.” If I were to really delve into this, I’d say that I want the friendship thing that I had with these guys, without the catch of getting so wrapped up in them that I lose myself. I want to hang onto who I am and still be friends with them. When I am with someone romantically I tend to get so wrapped up in them and what they like and what they think and what they do that I lose touch with what I like and what I do and what I feel… and that is never going to happen again. Well, it may happen again, but I hope that it would happen for the guy I fall in love with too. So that sometimes it would be all about me, and other times it would be all about him.

Oh, and the song for the day is Yes, “Heart of the Sunrise.” Look it up and listen to it. Great tune.

So Sayeth Led Zeppelin

"Ten Years Gone"

Then as it was,
Then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea

Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey

Kind of makes me feel sometimes,
didn't have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest,
it's got so far to go

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Did you ever really need somebody,
And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody,
The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby --
Did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time,
And you knew you would

Through the eyes an' I sparkle,
Senses growing keen
Taste your love along the way,
See your feathers preen

Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes,
Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest,
The nest is in our soul

Vixen in my dreams,
with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face
the way it used to be

Oh darlin', oh darlin'
I'm never gonna leave you -- I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone...

-From Physical Graffiti, Led Zeppelin

~~~~~~~~

The one I am thinking of as I write this will know who he is -- if he should read this.

If you do, know that I am good. And I wish you well.

Otherwise, it is my birthday today -- and I am going to take a nap.