overactive mind musings

Okay so there is a thought that has been floating around in my head. That, and I watched What Dreams May Come again, and (as I think I mentioned in my other writings) that I have been reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I have also read a bunch of other cool books about different religions, like Buddhism, Christianity, Druidism, witchcraft, Hinduism, Judaism... many many books. It is not so much that I am looking for the meaning of life, though. I just find it interesting to know how others think; what motivates them.

I have also mentioned before what I (personally) picture life to be about. I think of souls "floating" around, created by the energy of the universe; that our life is predetermined, but how we get to the different posts of our life is up to us via free will.

Well, this thought I have been having is something in the same kind of vein. Many religions believe that love is real when two soul mates are united in life. Like, a soul is a puzzle piece… that other pieces can fit that soul okay, but only one other soul will fit it perfectly.

What if your soul mate, through the attitude he takes or the choices he has made… turns into someone you no longer like. The free will thing, gone bad. You could always love that person. You could always feel like “something is missing” in your life; but, what if you meet your soul mate and you recognize a connection, but you just don’t like that person. Free will and the choices made create the impossibility of being together.

Tragic. But that really hits you if you think that if your soul and your heart are only really meant for one person, and you just can’t mesh with that person anymore, then do you just settle for something else? Or, do you keep your head buried in your books searching for romance and truth from what someone else has put on paper?

I’m off to take my bedtime shower. Sorry my writing skills are so bad in this entry. I am tired. Hope y’all had a great weekend.

Smiles for Miles

It’s been awhile since I have written anything. Sorry about that, if you are actually into reading my blog. You would be a party of one, then, I think. I really don’t think anyone actually reads this. But that’s… …Okay. (Quoting Stuart Smalley)

I am sitting here on a Friday night, watching the news and then Comedy Central Presents. Then I go to bed and read more of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I am actually really looking forward to that. It is a great book.

How sad is it that as a reward to myself for making it through another semester I read a “fun” book. Other people my age go out drinking. I read. Yikes.

I graduate in December. Well, hopefully I will graduate in December. I watched the UTSA graduation that happened tonight… it was broadcast on the local cable station, channel 19 or something, I think. It was cool. I saw 2 people I know graduate. And now I kind of know what to expect.

My Mom won’t come to see me graduate. How bad must I be for my mother to not want to come see her only child graduate? This kills me. Really depressed me. SO, we got in a fight. Then she takes me on the guilt trip… and I come out looking like the bad person here. WTF?

I get depressed sometimes. I live far from home, and I feel very alone sometimes. Intellectually, I think I will be fine; I am okay with myself, and I enjoy my private time. But I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day, and they had a program on about feral children. Wow. I felt so bad for those kids. Abandoned by their parents. And then some scientists took some chimps away from their mothers at a young age, and these baby chimps were scarred for life too. It was horrible.

These feral kids lose their ability to communicate. They even, to a certain extent, lose their ability to learn to communicate. However, they do not lose their ability to empathize. So what makes a human a human? Is it the dependency on human company?

So if that is so, then I wonder if I am human. There are times that if I don’t have to go anywhere – like, on the weekends, I will close myself up in my apartment and not interact with anyone. I read books. I go on the internet. I watch TV (maybe that is human interaction) and I sleep.

I’ve had my husband leave me behind… We got divorced; he remarried 2 days after the divorce was final. I’ve had boyfriends leave me. Different reasons; none of which are really my fault per se. One though, who I thought I could be friends with, would rather not have me in his life at all. That hurt. I must be horrible.

Then Mom won’t come to graduation. It would be different (graduation really isn’t that huge of deal) but I haven’t seen her since about 1988 (that I remember). At the point I am at now, Mom is just someone who emails me once in awhile and quite frankly I don’t know if I want to see her anymore.

I was thinking it’d be cool to get digital phone service in my apartment. I could get free long distance. But then, who would I call, besides my Dad?
That makes me sound so lame.

I am going to go and drink my water and read my book now. Have a good weekend!