The new me.

Holy crap it took a lot just to be able to log into this again. I had recreate a Hotmail account using the same username I had before, THEN log into this blog. I tried to change the E-mail address to my actual "active" E-mail address, but the Blogger will not allow this.

News. I am re-married, to Noah (who is mentioned below). We have a child, a son, who is now 4 years old. I am seeking new employment; Noah works for the State of Texas.

I had spinal fusion L5-S1. I am recovering well enough. Often get pain though. Codeine does not help me. I take Motrin. The experience can be described as giving a woman in labor some Motrin for her pain.

I had a skull fracture from.... December 1991. I think I am correct. I am finding nowadays that I suffer more with mood swings and depression, but that I am more of an "intelligent" thinker. I have no way to explain what I mean, other than I have gone from a kid who was very smart but different give a shit to a smart woman who gives a shit but can not progress.

Mashed.

Screw love. I am done with this crap.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Someone else has entered the picture.

Interesting how that happens. One door closes and another opens. Funny.

So after work today I came to spend time with my friend (who is currently at work, so I am playing on his Mac iBook). I decided I would write something and try to kill a few moments before Drummer Boy can say hello.

I was listening to Yes in my car today. Remember that song, "Leave It?" Very cool. Memories flooded into my brain. Sometimes one must leave the situation alone. Things will work out in their own time, and usually for the better. I try to remember that when the crap gets to stinkin'.

So what have I been looking for, anyway? IF I fall in love again, I want a man who decides to stick around even when life is tough. Someone who brings me flowers for no reason, leaves me a message on his cell phone away message, treats me like I could possibly be the princess that I read about in fairy tales when I was younger... Someone who thinks I am the shit.

And knows how to use 5a's and learn the off-beat rhythm of my off-center life.

Shows me that a thunderstorm can be beautiful.

Hell I dunno. I am going to go home now. "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

Seriously.

Okay -- I feel like I must create an addendum to this.

I had an incredibly busy, stressful and difficult week, that culminated in a very emotional and particularly stressful Friday. I also had not slept much Thursday night -- so I was tired on top of it all.

I am a writer. I write. When something is bothering me, I deal with it (or try to) by writing about it. That is my whole reason for having a blog. It is a means for me to vent. Barf out all my pent up frustrations and deep thoughts. That is what my blog entry (see below) was all about.

I was feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable and I was pushing all my emotions into one area, and around one person. I'm cool now, I just had to write this note to say that -- should that person read this -- I realize that this may look bad, but I honestly just had to get out my frustrations somehow.

That said, goodnight, I hope you are well, and welcome back to SA.

:)
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My Dearest MA1.

I feel like I am going crazy. Maybe I already was crazy and I am just now recognizing it. Maybe you recognized it and that is what is going on, and why I am feeling particularly vulnerable.

Your profile poofed. You don't answer the phone. You don't call me back. It is looking bad. I know, I have seen it before. Bad is not new to me.

You had this ability to "chisel" through. It wasn't so much that I absolutely believed again, but it is that I wanted to believe. Maybe romance is not just an illusion of veiled perception. I had fun talking with you. I looked forward to seeing you. You become top on my list of "potentials."

I don't like the way I feel. So, knock it off.

OR, you may just have been unable to talk to me. Maybe you are on your way back to town or something and things were just bad. Timing was bad. You forgot your phone. And you poofed because you like me, and wish to pull yourself off the market.

Cha!

Or I am just paranoid and insane. And maybe a touch obsessive.

Whatever. Thanks.

Fix it, please.

Another Interesting Moment in an Unnoticed Life.

I think I have a crush on a man. I am not sure how I feel about this. How true was my love for Noah – IS my love for Noah – if I have room for another man? So I talked to Noah about it. He tells me to go for it. He reminds me that he and I are not serious – that he and I are not “dating,” we aren’t girlfriend and boyfriend. He reminds me that he has things that he needs to figure out for himself. So, I admit that he is right. I need to let go…
The funny thing is that this crush of mine only appeared in my life when I had, again, made up my mind that I didn’t need a boyfriend. I was happy with being me. I was happy being alone. My life, as disorganized as it is, is organized in its disarray. It is comfortable.
So, perhaps I don’t want romance because I do not want to lose this comfort. I’d be back into the zone of the unknown. I would be vulnerable again, and I am afraid.
And thus… I have decided to take things one thing at a time. Each day as its own path. I will not pursue Crush, but should he pursue me, then I will see where a new path takes me. If it is meant to be, then it shall happen, no matter if I am scared.
And I am scared, very scared. I come across as strong. Only those who care to look deeper could see that I shake in fear, on the inside. And with Crush, chances are I would just be Rebound Girl anyway. Besides, he is wicked organized and I am messy. I have named my dust bunnies. He organizes things.
Just, please, let my next romance, no matter who it is with, be a tad better in its outcome than those I have had before.
I will not pursue anything, myself. And that is difficult for me, as I have a strong personality. I see something beautiful and I go about getting it… Things must happen on their own, without my assistance.

Enough rambling. Goodnight.

Me -- December 2006

Heart Floss

Tonight I have decided to write something. I haven’t written, really, for quite awhile. I have begun to write, several times, but then I would get side tracked. I would quit. I started countless stories – I have a burning need to write some of these stories that are buried within me. I start to write them, then I go to bed, or I watch TV and that story gets put on hold. I never complete anything.

Noah and I are back together, sort of. I know in the back of my mind that he is not happy with me. He doesn’t really want to be with me, but he does love me. He just has a lot going on in his life and I don’t fit in within the parameters that I wish to be in. He has work. He has school, though that seems to be always put on hold. He has his kids – and I don’t knock him for that – but he doesn’t really have the ability to really share them with me the way that he did when we were together before. He has his sister, who has decided that I am not a good person; he lives with his sister, and she doesn’t know that Noah and I are back together and Noah is not comfortable with telling her.

This puts me in an uncomfortable position. I want to be important to Noah. I want to an active part of his life. I want him to be the love of my life that he was before. He used to write in a blog about me, and how much he loved me (http://www.drunkenirishbravado.blogspot.com/). He does not do that anymore. He now feels (in my opinion, due to my observations) that I am an obligation of his, and he is caught between his heart as it applies to me (he IS in love with me) and as it applies to everything else going on in his life, including his sister. And (wow, beginning a sentence with “and”) I know from experience that I can not “compete” with family when it comes to romance. I am not sure that Noah and I are destined to go on.

And yes, I cannot help who I love, really. I wish I could. I wish I could say that I am completely over and moved on from Britt (my first love) but I cannot truly say that – though I CAN say that I no longer hold out hope that Britt and I will ever get back together again, or even get to know each other as friends again. I wish that I could look at my relationship with Noah as it appears “on paper” (ie this is not going well, let’s call it a draw and move on) but I cannot. I cannot even say that if Kevin were to come back into my life that I wouldn’t give that relationship another go.

Is this all because I do not want to be alone? Is this, in part, because it is the holiday season and I should not be with a man that has to be talked into spending the night with me, even though we are supposedly “together?” is it because I have a tendency toward depression?

Why can’t I be happy that I have had several job offers since my being laid off? Why can’t I be happy that I have a great family who loves me dearly – though they are hundreds of miles away? Why can’t I be happy that I have a great apartment, in a great city, with a car that runs and kitties that purr for me every day? Why can’t I be happy that I am a reasonable good-looking woman with a college degree and great friends? Why can’t I be happy on my own?

I need chocolate. I have a new appreciation for Harry and David chocolate (http://www.harryanddavid.com/) but it is expensive and I would have to send off for it.

I shall go off and reads some more books and seal myself off in my cave.

“Words, words…”

Oh For the Love of PETE!

I was laid off from my job yesterday. Now I am searching for a new job... while I am dealing with problems with my sciatic nerve (so walking can be painful).

I think that life needs to throw me a proverbial bone, here.

I have had enough bad luck for awhile, don't you think!